Fucking Pizza Delivery

Hey guys. It’s getting hard to post because my computer broke and the tumblr app pays money to perform fellatio on men, but I can’t justify going this long with leaving you hanging

So, working at Good Burger is essentially the best thing that ever bested thing was awesome good. Everyone there is the opposite of Elroy at Fox’s. So, basically, my dream job.

The owners are the GMs and even though every boss says “Do the job well, be intelligent and don’t e an asshole and we’ll be just fine” these are the only guys who actually mean it. Everyone constantly reassures me that I’m in “the good books” are are quick to tell me the three people on a staff of 20-30 who are not. And even the baddies aren’t fucking wizards of awful.

I’ve already been invited to breakfast by a coworker and this time next year, I swear I’m going to be married to this insider chick. The only problem right off the bat which is rapidly becoming a non issue is the area. I’m not used to it at all and there’s a bunch of one ways chock full of pedestrians who desire the sweet release of death. It’s crazy how often I have to E-brake because these fuckers want to walk out in from of me without looking. But im getting much better at it.

The money the money the money THE MONEY! I walk out with 60-100 bucks a night. At Fox’s, I would generally make 30. I feel rich as fuck.

Anyway, can’t give you a crazy awesome fun post because I’m only a week and a half old. Once I’m not the new guy, I’ll give you guys what you deserve. And I hate this fucking app.



Brothers! Sisters! Hermaphrodites who can still deliver food because your sexuality does not hinder your ability to be a talented delivery driver in any way because this is AMERICA! A call to arms!

We don’t speak of this, but the time has come to end the secret war! We must take up arms and finish the war! I am of course, speaking of the age old feud between the Brotherhood of Delivery Drivers and The League of Men and Women who Decide Where House and Apartment Numbers Go!

We’ve all fallen short to their cruelty. I lost my youngest brother at the Battle of Two Lights on Either Side of the Plaque After Nighttime Hill. The injustices have gone long enough! Tell me who here has never been on a delivery running late and fell victim to the attack of not being able to read the House number on a mailbox? Who here has never fallen to the jaws of apartment complexes that have lights that make reading the numbers impossible, even WITH a flashlight?!

Well, I proudly and brutally swell my chest and declare NO MORE! 

Arm yourselves with your Jimmy John’s cups! Grab as many Domino’s pizza cutters as you can carry! The shorter ones because we all know that they’re sharper! Grab your scalding hot P’zones and arm yourselves to the teeth with as many Cinnapies as you can find! We must go to their central underground lair in New Jersey, the worst place in America that’s under the library on second street. Ugh, libraries. 

You will know the right place when you arrive. It is on second street and it is the only building WITHOUT A STREET ADDRESS ON IT! We must go and spray them in the eyes with our bottles of hot sauce! We must clean their evil hair with packets of sanitizer fluid! We must litter their grand hall with all the order tickets we didn’t clear off the floors of our cars for weeks on end because we were too fatigued from their evil ways!

I say to you, my brothers, we must muster the courage! If not for you, for your ancestors! Your fallen comrades and teachers! They died so we might fight! The future generations of our people depend on it. If you can’t summon the strength for yourself, then find it for your brotherhood!


Sorry, fellers. Balancing school and a bajillion hours of work is making it hard to keep this bitch up. But you saved me that one time I accidentally picked up a hooker in Vegas. I swear, I thought Cinnamon was into me, but that’s neither her nor there, I’m looking out for you guys.

Guess who doesn’t work for Fox’s anymore?


That’s a lie, it’s me.

So, when I was at Pizza Hut and Domino’s, we’d always get busy in very predictable times and ways. Being so predictable, I was trained to handle such pressure, not everyone fully nails it down, but I did. When you get crazy busy, you basically become Super Sonic. You move faster, you enter a heightened sense of awareness, it’s like a high. It’s awesome. I haven’t felt that feeling since I worked at Domino’s. That is dot dot dot UNTIL LAST NIGHT! (suspenseful music)

So we’re busy as all fuck last night, busier when I’ve ever seen the place and I fucking loved it. I’m in such a good mood, Elroy’s complimenting my work ethic tonight and I’m playfully jabbing back that I haven’t needed to work this hard because this isn’t a real restaurant. We’re laughing, we’re busting our fucking asses and it’s all great.


Elroy and I have been boys lately. He’s been super friendly to me and you can see the hate in his eyes starting to fade. It all started when he found out that I grew up on country music because that’s all my mom listened to. It amazed him. I’ve played him some pretty far out there styles of music over the months on our PA system and I threw on Graduation and made him really listen to it. All he said was “Wow! It’s not utter shit!” and “I will absolutely download this after work.” Since then, he’s been laughing harder at my jokes, I think we fist bumped once or something, Elroy’s been chill.


So, he’s on the phone with a customer while I’m Tazmanian Deviling the shit out of some cheesy bread and steak hoagies and he asks “Do we deliver to *mumble mumble*?” I instantly reply “No.” Because it’s in another fucking town. I make a sort of slashing hand motion to indicate “No.” such as the time 3 seconds earlier when I verbally told him the word “No.” kNOw what I’m saying?

He continues with the order and I assume he’s placing a carryout instead. Nope. Little polish fucker went and placed a 100 dollar order. To another city. The very end of that city, not even close to the border. Guess who’s in the queue to take it with 10 deliveries behind it? If you guessed “The only delivery driver that works there!” Then you guessed right! Congratulations! You graduated logic using school!

So I flat out tell the GM. Fire me on the spot if you want. This is not in my job description. New insider kid who I bro with cracked up, but I’m in super ass kicking mode, this nonsense is in the way of me being productive and I need to kill it. I was in the zone, and Elroy wanted to drag me out of it. GM is a little fearful of confrontation, so I carry on as normal.

Now I did lie to you a little bit. I wasn’t the only driver who worked there. We do have one other fellow that can work anywhere from 5-7 hours a week, so while I was on a regular delivery, Elroy sends…oh, what should I name this guy? Hmm… Let’s go with George. So George goes out for an hour and twenty minute run leaving me with 10-14 runs and we’re already getting “Where’s my food” phone calls. We were packed like a muhfuck.

Rage. Blinding white rage. Because I wasn’t consulted about this order I told everyone to ignore because the customer wouldn’t pick up, Georgie left with only one bag on a two bagger order. Well, Theo, your hour and twenty minute rush with no partner is now two hours long. I walk up to Elroy and scream at him. “Because you’ve been a manager for three weeks and felt like contradicting the guy who’s been in this business since you were learning to successfully hide your masturbation from your parents, George didn’t know it was a two bagger and now he has to cross city lines, get the second bag and do this all over again. You put the hierarchy over the team and your solution to a bad decision was to throw another bad decision at it, you fucking fuckhead.”

Whole store immediately stopped.

You fucking fuckhead, not my best, but I was in a rage. So the GM gives me a “Why couldn’t you just say that quieter look?” And gives Elroy a “He’s right, you know.” kinda look. Elroy is now in shame. I’m seeing fire in his eyes, but I’m too busy working to care. Second we slow down, GM goes home and Elroy asks for my bank. I’m getting sent home early. I ask if he’d like me to show up and he said yes at the time, but I got an adorable phone call from him later where he says “Sorry to bug ya if you’re at your new job (I got a new job, by the dubs) but I talked to the owner and we decided you don’t need to show up anymore.) Completely over the GM’s head.

Scumbag Elroy.

The thing that makes me only mildly annoyed by this is that I ended up getting that job at the burger place. I’ve only worked one shift, as I felt obligated to give Fox’s my two weeks, but I had as many deliveries that I would normally take in three days at Fox’s. Seriously. It’s insane. It’s not a chain, so I can’t give you the name, which is chill because from now on, we’re just going to pretend I work at Good Burger: Home of the Good Burger. May I take your order?

This is sort of a different post, but it’s directed to my brother delivery drivers!

If your car has a sound system, auxiliary plug in or if you just own a plain old pair of headphones, you should download The Nerdist! 

The Nerdist is a podcast, which is essentially internet talk radio, but this specific one is hosted by Chris Hardwick, a highly entertaining fellow who is co hosted sometimes by Jonah Ray and Matt Myra. They talk about nerdy funny things. They often have awesome guests like Matt Smith, David Tennant, Felicia Day, Neal DeGrasse Tyson, Wil Wheaton, LeVar Burton, Ben Folds, Will Ferrell, Tina Fey, Bill Nye, Patton Oswalt, Donald Glover and many more. 

It’s a great way to make your shift go by much faster. Or even if you just enjoy comedy as a whole, it’s really neat. And you know they aren’t giving me anything to plug this little advertisement because The Nerdist is a huge big thing and I don’t have 100 followers. 

Download it. It’s super fun. If you like my blog, you’ll like this shit. I can’t recommend it highly enough, it has given me quite a lot of laughter tears since I started with this six or seven months ago. And as always, Enjoy your burrito. 

So, I hit up this delivery at a hotel nearby tonight, right? The girl working the counter waved at me and I’m all “Ugh, some other girl who can’t stop worshipping me. Why me? Is there some cheat code I can use to reduce the number of girls that want to hang out with me all the fucking time by like, half?” So I walk over and it’s some girl who I knew in high school.

So we’re making small talk, all that jazz. But after awhile, I just start to realize how much I hate this girl. There’s no reason for it, she’s not unintelligent, she’s not mean, not anything bad. I just can’t fucking stand her. I want to take her polite, good natured face and smash it with a big Super Smash Bros. hammer. Absolutely intolerable. I’m pretty sure I saw some children cowering behind their mothers because this young lass is just awful and the worst and I wish I could describe why, but I can’t.

She’s just got bad voodoo to her. It’s like an aura of awfulness.

Just kidding. It’s my old friend from high school and she’s a perfectly lovely individual. And this is my shout out because she said she’d read this blog.

On a more real note, I showed my boss a pizza I like to make with no sauce, american cheese in lieu of, steak, onions and green peppers with a ring of butter on the outside and cheddar cheese along the ring and mozzarella cheese on the steak and stuff. (BONUS POINTS IF YOU RECOGNIZE THE RECIPE!) You should have seen his eyes. It was like the first time you help your armless 14 year old son ejaculate his first time, which you have to do, because…because you’re his dad. Are you really going to deprive him of that feeling? Fuck you! You’re a horrible father. Denying your very own one of the most beautiful feelings in life. You are such an asshole and I hope you die.

Anyways, we’re going to start selling it under the name “The *my last name*”

I’m trying to get this job at this local burger delivery joint. Thinking of new blog titles.

Fucking Burger Delivery

Fucking Gyro Delivery

Burgers on a Bitch

Would you like a “Fuck you” with that?

Get that Tip

Taking suggestions.

Oh, MAN! Okay, check this out. 

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned how hard I despise hospitals? Short version: shitloads of cat calls and no tips and shitty attitudes. I’d give you my traditional embellishment on how much I truly can’t stand them, but I’ve got something way more important to say.

So, today, I had to go to the hospital 3 times and I was hella pissed by the third time. It was a sixty dollar order, so I’d have todo extra work for 0 moneys. Gay sauce. Turns out I got stiffed completely, procede the rage of an irate delivery driver.

Then, hours later, after I’d had no less than 3 blowies from supermodels and my mood had calmed down, a doctor comes into the store and asks about the delivery. Well, fuck me in the ass with a viper, right? Some non tipping cunt is here to complain about something I guaranfuckingtee you is nonimportant. But no, she just realized a few hours later that since she sent a nurse, I didn’t get tipped. So she drover over, explains that story and slips me a 20 with an extremely heartfelt apology. Wow. That was fucking amazing. I was actually blown away. I wasn’t speechless, but I could only say “Wow. Wow, I can’t believe this. Wow, this is amazing.”

Good Guy Hospital, we drink to you tonight. 

Here’s the revised list of application questions. This was actually all the fun to do.

Is anyone else really hating the new Tunblr app update?

Here’s the revised list of application questions. This was actually all the fun to do.

Is anyone else really hating the new Tunblr app update?

Alright, so we’re pretty fucking bored at work right now, so we decided to be awesome, you know how we do it.

My GM is about to start hiring some people and he was asking me for interview questions since I have aY experience and he typed them down and printed it off.

So today, me and my manager went in and changed the questions around because we know it will fluster the fuck out of our GM. With you know, some of our own contributions. Such classics as:

"Ate you a right handed or a left handed person? If you’re a lefty, would you be able to change, if needed?"

"Who would win in a fight? Batman or Superman. Explain why in a paragraph."

"Do you like apples? If so, how do you like these apples?".

"What is the square root of Pi? "

"What do you aspire to be? A stripper? A mailman? An adventurer?"

"Do you like me? Is it because I’m cute?"

We’re. Pretty fucking funny over here.

The staff had a talking to last night. Not a very successful one. It was my indiscretion, but we all got the “being appropriate in the workplace” schtick.

So we’ve got this one family who live basically in a refrigerator box and told that teaching lady the only letters they need to know is U, S, and A! They always answer the door with at least one appropriate article of clothing missing and they’re very rude people. I bet you can tell how much they tip. They also order all the damn time. They suck everything.

So on this particular excursion to Fuckland, they ordered a steak fry salad. That’s lettuce with steak and wedge fries. If you’re unfamiliar with the effect of heat on lettuce, then piss off, I’m not in the explaining shit to dumbasses business. I get back to the store and the phone rings. It’s her. She’s complaining about everything on the order, she’s not letting up on a single detail. Then, she finally arrives to the matter of the salad.

"The lettuce was all brown and wilted and the cheese was wet and the meat was the driest meat I’ve ever put in my mouth!"

Let that sink in for a bit.

Pissed off at her existence and having just been handed a wonderful opportunity, I retort with: “Your husband answered the door, ma’am, I know thats not true.”

So predictably, I had to go get my manager on the line. You could see his eyes light up when he heard what happened and he struggled to keep his laughter down when he explained to her when you add steak and fries to salad, it tends to do that and we prepared that steak earlier that day, so it was as fresh as she could have hoped for. He hung up, and just laughed.

An hour later, after he thought about it for a second, he called the staff and tried being managerial. But we all couldn’t stop giggling, so meeting adjourned and we all went home and masturbated.

Have you noticed a new trend in my posts? I went black and came back, proving once again, men have more self-control than women.

You ever have someone at work who hated you just because they couldn’t accept you as a person? Like, you didn’t start shit or anything, they just can’t stand you? Believe it or not, I’ve had several people like that. Here’s my most recent one.

So, I’m not going to tell you his real name, because for the life of me, I have no clue why his name isn’t Elroy. Elroy is actually a top notch employee. Man works hard and does great work. This guy hates me with a burning passion and I had no clue until very recently and here’s why:

He’s so fucking polite about it.

He’s always smiling and in a positive attitude. He will start conversations with ME that are lighthearted and silly. He looks like he needs a giant lollipop and one of those beanie caps with the helicopter blades on top. I was shocked when I found out that he torrents things. He hates any and all things inappropriate. (HINT HINT)

Now, between my very good self and one or two other employees, we keep the atmosphere nice and inappropriate. Elroy disapproves. Something in his wiring just rejects dead baby jokes and rape. But since it is so awfully gross and dark humor bound, anyone would become a little bit used to it. Elroy’s been growing some balls in the last couple of weeks and will hit me with comments he thinks are going to hurt my feelings.

One time, I took a delivery close to his house and someone mentioned it to him, he said something like “Well, he won’t know which one is mine.” I asked him why did it matter if I knew where he lived and he said “Because it’s you.” or one time, he was talking about Bruno Mars and I said he has a face i just want to punch. He said “I could probably say the same about you.” with a look of victory and assured hurt feelings. I just said “Nah, that’s just because you don’t like me. I’m sure Bruno is a nice guy, I jus dont like his music or face.” you could see the acceptance of failure in his face.

Those seem like harsh, rude things, but they’re surrounded by things like him playing Sinatra because he knows I like him and cracking jokes to me. It’s the weirdest thing.

TL;DR Kid locks up his emotions. One day, he’ll Columbine everything.

gsxp asked: What is your opinion on the new Burger King Pizza Burgers. 8 slices of burger in the shape of pizza slices, each being the size of a Whopper Jr.

What black magic is this?! Consequences will never be the same.

Anonymous asked: Will I see you on The Price Is Right? Will I cry? Will I smile? As you run down the aisle?

What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?

Hey, Scorpions. How’s it hanging?

So, I just got done with a stressful ass day, you dig? So I just got down winding down a bit with my best friend in the entire world, Yeezy, and smoked a bowl of crack. My girl, Minaj picking up the 40, but you already know.

So, we got this elementary school that order every Friday. It’s far as fuck away from us and that’s not groovy. But thats not the big problem, the problem is they always place the order the night before and want their food at 11:15. Bitch, we fucking open at 11. Cunts. Takes 20 minutes to get there at all.

My roody poo eunuch of a manager (who’s actually a cool dude) keeps letting them order it. I tried using my force control on him to end this type of behavior, but I can’t seem to get it to work. Calibration’s off. Ain’t no thing. If I can’t fix the problem here, I’m gonna fix the problem there. Fast forward to today.

So I get to the little bloodsuckers ten minutes late because I’m not a fucking Time Lord and they act all snooty. “Yeeeaaahhh… We’re going to have to start ordering eeeaaaarrrrlierrrrrrr.” I know you already know what voice you are meant to read that in. The nasally bitch horse fucker one. I just swallow my pride like the way she swallowed her fathers jizz when she was six and calmly explained that if she ever ordered before 11:25, there was no way we could get to them on time. Bitch had a huge order. Took us a half hour to make it.

She raised her voice and told me that I offered a service and It was my duty to fulfill it however way she wanted it because her money made her own my and my skill set.

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

I give her the cold, cold stare of a man with rivers of blood on his hands and my prodigious skills and talents with a family history of diabetes and I tell her in a flat voice: “Ma’am, do not speak to me like that, I am not your student. When you pay for me to use my skill set, I am still incapable of performing tasks that are impossible and yes, I offer a service. It is a service you require and if this behavior doesn’t go away immediately, the service will no longer be provided to you.”

She called back to complain, my manager high fived me over It.