So, I’m sure it seems to my readers that I have an anger problem due to my writing style. I assure you that this isn’t the case. I do not have an anger problem. I have a flair and enjoyment of venting in the form of an angry story. Not counting the way I treat truly awful customers and fellow employees, I’m a warm, fun, easy going, professional guy. I like it when things go smoothly, I just like recounting the times things DIDN’T go smoothly more. But sugar, you bet your bottom dollar that there was a time when I spoke and acted like this to everyone.
Okay. Stories from my past.
So, I’m sure I mentioned this, but for two and a half years, I was a driver for Pizza Hut. My early memories of that job are warm and fuzzy. The establishment trained me in a patient, professional and ethically motivated environment. That was the first two years. The last 8 months are a different story.
I don’t believe this for a second, but the story goes that my GM, Mary, got caught stealing from the till. I refuse that. It didn’t happen. But that’s beside the point. We ended up with Josh. A man who had never been more than an assistant manager, self conscious about his obesity and had something to prove. Not exactly my kind of guy.
I’ll be telling a lot of Josh stories if Domino’s keeps on being all boring, but I’m going to give you a condensed description of him and then jump to my last two weeks. My last two weeks as a wild, 19 year old pot head with a lip and rebellious streak.
Josh was mean. That’s all there was to it. He wanted to radically shake the way our store worked, but he never tried being constructive about it. He did everything he could to lose my respect. He yelled mercilessly at a dude I liked who had just been hired and had a standing up for himself problem. He made the poor kid cry and I had to cheer him up over a cigarette. He routinely made things overly difficult and didn’t listen to my suggestions and pointing out there was an easier way (to this day, I think my early interactions with Josh were professional and reasoned). He just kept drudging on and dictated everything. He called me a bad driver and told me I was fat. I was an obese child/early teen. At the time he called me fat, I had lost 100 lbs since my prime weight, but I was still a bit overweight. You do NOT call a formerly obese person fat. I don’t care if it’s not meant in a mean way, if it’s a joke or I don’t fucking care what else. I promise you that it is the most self conscious thing about that person and YOU DON’T CROSS THAT FUCKING LINE!
So whatever, me and the waitress I had a huge crush on and is to this day the only girl that’s ever turned me down for a date (bitch) kind of ringled our little circle of malcontents and formed a suicide pact. A week from today, the eight of us are going to put in our two weeks on the same day. HAHA, TAKE THAT, DICK! So we did. I had since been hired at Domino’s (on the spot, because it took me 3 seconds before my gm there and I were best friends) and I didn’t give A FUCK!
I’ll share Carries rebellions later, because I’m thinking some people are going to see the size of this post and just ignore it. But the two of us took it upon ourselves to cause as much trouble as we possibly could.
I figured no one would cause any trouble until I did. And taking that role, I also knew I had to cause the MOST trouble and then I would be the leader and others would follow at their own speed. (I really do think like this) So I figured I would start all of our last two weeks off with a bang. After the last person put in their two weeks, which was enough to have Josh rip his hair out, I took the dish boy aside.
I could easily write 8 full length posts on Morton, the dish guy, but I’m keeping it short since it isn’t important yet. He’s short, he’s in his 40’s, there is NO mental problem with him, he is a river troll. He can’t spell anything but his name correctly, he fucked up every order he took for the first four months he worked there (we gave him a free pizza for his first correctly taken order) he had a deep, gravelly, wobbly, choppy voice (I can mimic it pretty well, but it’s a bitch to describe). He messes up literally every thing he does. He’s literally everyone’s favorite, and not because of meanness, we actually just had affection for the little guy.
So I take Morton aside and tell him Josh wants him to go to the side of the store with the oven and dump a trash bag on the floor. The other dish guy starts laughing, but he quickly stops after I shoot him an angry look. Morton doesn’t believe me, but it seriously takes me three minutes to convince him and he does. HE ACTUALLY DID IT! Josh knew it was me because a co worker saw me and Carrie post on Facebook about all the stuff we were gonna do. He comes running towards me and as soon as he gets close, me and the dish guy crack up.
I routinely hung up on difficult customers or just yelled at them and Josh started hovering over my shoulder when I was on the phone. One time a customer wanted us to take a delivery outside of our area and Josh was listening. After explaining it was outside of our area, the customer started demanding I deliver it anyway. After about 3 minutes of professional refusal of his order, I told him “I’m sorry, but you’re not using the right tone for asking me a favor.” Josh grabbed the phone from me and was yelled at for half an hour. Ha.
I did a bunch of other shit, like move important papers around or changing the password to the computer to “JOSH SUCKS DICKZ LOL!” and all that stuff. And Carrie was performing admirably. I’m proud of the chaos she wreaked, because she’s a goodie two shoes and was just wanting to be a part of this little cult I formed. Her and I RAN that shit. We were giving food for free away left and right, charging dicks more than we should have, messing up orders. There was a lot of yelling involved in my last two weeks.
My last day, I went all out. I did everything from what I mentioned above to telling a customer to her face that she was a cunt. I told a little girl Santa wasn’t real and I just started breaking plates whenever I got bored. After awhile of this, Josh asked me to cheese a pizza that he was making, but he had to go answer a phone call that needed a manager, I told him sure, but I felt a sneeze coming on. So as he hands me the pizza, I sneeze on it in the most grandiose way I can possibly muster. He gets red in the face, tired of all my shit, and screams at me to go home. I change my uniform into my normal clothes in full display of everyone the store and take a lap of the entire non dining area of the store with both hands stretched up to the sky, flipping the bird. Carrie just beamed and hugged me, if I was all comfortable back then with girls as I am now, I would have just grabbed her and kissed her. I still rankle with the idea that no one has ever turned me down but her.
Every once in awhile, I’ll go in and get dine in just to scare them.